Where is my mind?

Just went to see "the Scotsman". So I'm under the influence right now. Stoned you might say.

Stepped out of the door today and bumped straight into Howard, The Don. Chatted about his dog that he recently had to have put down, and told him to take it easy. He looked really down, the lad.

Walked down to the post office in Hyson Green. 10yards short a car mounted the pavement, blocked it, and got out to get a takeaway. Now at this point I should have stopped, walked around and carried about my business, but of course Billy Big 'nads decides to do different. "Oy, what the f*ck are doing, dickhead?", says I. Someone's going to call my bluff one day, and my 'act hard and they won't give me any grief' technique'll land me on my arse with a sore face!

Went into Asda, used the self service checkout, and when the assistant comes over to authorise my alcohol purchase (me? never) I tried to make smalltalk by saying how I'd never seen the self service area so quiet. Poor woman looked absolutely knackered and tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it. I think I know that feeling.

The bloke from the shop on Foxhall Road, the FatBoy as he's known, or Indian G Man as he'd like to be known was sat in his car as I walked home on Berridge Road. Offered to get me some 'Chronic' like he was Ice Cube or something. No thanks mate.

Now before I forget, I wanted to blog about IDS, the DWP, ATOS, and touch on local mental health services in my area and how to access them.Then I read the news that ATOS have quit, or been pushed. So I'll do that another day.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26766345

Good news but IDS will still make the rules, they'll use the same software, and of course who will replace them? Capita? Don't start me off on that company. If you give a monkey's about this stuff then I'd urge you to look them up on a popular search engine (or an unpopular one, what the hell? go crackers).

Anyhow, in this medicated state I'm inspired to download and listen to music. Cannabis makes me feel like I do in my manic moments but without the feeling of being out of control. Music becomes richer, brighter, amplifying any emotions I'm picking up from the music. So put the last 50odd albums in a playlist and play at random.

Hard Times.  Run DMC       Pretty apt if you listen to the words.

Pill Hill Serenade.  Mark Lanegan.         Love this bloke's gargling razorblades vocals.
Old Man - Neil Young.

Love this song, especially the lyrics.

Love lost, such a cost,
Give me things
that don't get lost.
Like a coin that won't get tossed
Rolling home to you.

Old man take a look at my life
I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me
the whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
and you can tell that's true.

Lullabies, look in your eyes,
Run around the same old town.
Doesn't mean that much to me
To mean that much to you.

I've been first and last
Look at how the time goes past.
But I'm all alone at last.
Rolling home to you.

So this is a Diary, with more detail, more content. To be honest with you the writing of this is hopefully going to prove to be therapeutic for me if that makes any sense. I've only 'published' it because at this stage in my life I don't really care an awful lot about what people think of me. So people can read if they like, I hope that they do, and if it helps anyone then yippadeedooda.

Turns out it's harder than I thought to get this stuff out of my head, and it also turns out it doesn't shut up that voice in my head. Since I've been doing this I've found it even harder to sleep.

Mindfulness is the thing I need. Read an interesting article from Ruby Wax that might be worth a read.

 http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ruby-wax/ruby-wax-mindfulness_b_5028008.html?utm_hp_ref=uk

Still. I'm allowing myself to self medicate or whatever you'd call it tonight. Really need to be able to relax and get's some sleep because I'm mentally and physically shattered. And it's a really strange and unpleasant feeling, like long term sleep deprivation.

I'm seing a Wellbeing plus advisor. I'll talk about this in a post about Mental Health Treatment Provision that I really want to write soon. Need to take my advisor with me to the GP. Need to be able to get more sleep.Gotta be done or I'm going to crack on one of the really bad nights, like last night.

Ohio - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

About the shooting of students protesting against the Vietnam War at Kent State University.

Gotta get down to it
Soldiers are cutting us down
Should have been done long ago.
What if you knew her
And found her dead on the ground
How can you run when you know?

Tin soldiers and Nixon coming,
We're finally on our own.
This summer I hear the drumming,
Four dead in Ohio.

Makes a beautiful song out of a terrible act. Brings out the raw emotions. That's one of the things I love about a good song. Cannot stand some of the bland, soulless stuff I hear.

 Zombie Blocked - Left Lane Cruiser.  Good old dirty blues.

Magdelena - Pixies  Just that rhythmic Pixies sound, the Francis falsetto and Santiago's atonal guitar. Will miss the crazy Ms.Deal though.

Beautiful Drug - Thievery Corp from Radio Retaliation.     Beautiful vocals, loping trip hoppy beats and you can't beat a few strings in the background now can you?

Don't Let It Bring You Down - Neil Young

Blind man running
through the light
of the night
With an answer in his hand,
Come on down
to the river of sight
And you can really understand,
Red lights flashing
through the window
in the rain,
Can you hear the sirens moan?
White cane lying
in a gutter in the lane,
If you're walking home alone.
Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Just find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

Peace Sword (Open Your Heart) - The Flaming Lips       Love this band.

Psalms - Heliotropes.   Female indie style guitar action, but sounds much better than that pathetic description.

I'm obviously no John Peel just yet.