Suddenly Everything Has Changed

It most definitely has.

I've been taking these beta blockers for a few weeks now and they do reduce the anxiety a lot, by lowering my heart rate, but with the unfortunate side effect of absolutely wiping me out. Doing things like having a rest halfway back from asda isn't good but I suppose not many drugs are perfect in terms of affect versus side effect.

I still have trouble sleeping but the zopiclone tablets seem to knock me out eventually. I was only prescribed eight a month, as the doctor is concerned about dependance but that's better than nothing. The comparison between this and the amount that were doled out to a woman I know who had a crisis is massive. More and stronger zopiclone along with dollops of diazepam on top (along with plenty of vino). Hope you've had no problems jacking them in, some strong shit, and good job avoiding an overdose by the sounds of it.

The big thing for me at the moment is I have 'taken ownership' of my own problems, can see a way forward, and am determined to get a lot of issues dealt with by the end of year. I'm completely open about it all, quite happy to talk about mental health stuff without being worried about any stigma. It's not like I walk around in a t-shirt with 'I'm mad, me." on it, but I'm not bothered if other people can't see that there's no difference between physical & mental health. If it scares them so much then that's not my problem, educate yourselves, or at least be open to the idea.

I've been going to the Nottingham Recovery College, a damn good place I've realised. It's self-referred and you get to do various courses aimed around your own specific issues rather than a one size fits 'take these/do CBT' approach. The people are there because they want to be, and are empowered to find ways and tools to deal with their issues.

It was a bit scary when I started as I didn't know what to expect. Anxiety Management was the first course I took part in. Out of about fifteen people I would class three or four as having serious problems such as bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or serious anger issues. I suppose I'd class everyone else, including myself, as suffering from anxiety and/or depression to varying degrees. I'd place myself in the average category, rather boringly. With some people being comparitively talkative, and some painfully shy. If I start trying to describe everyone I'll be here for ever so I suppose I should try to just describe some of what I've learnt so far.

A lot of anxiety management techniques can be described as distraction. Things like deep breathing or 'tuning in to nature' help by shifting attention in an anxious situation. The more critical among us would say that is not solving anything but that would be ignoring something called Neuroplasticity.

Practising a 4-2-6 breathing pattern at least twice a day can help to prevent hyperventilization (too much oxygen). Sleep, diet, and exercise play a massive part, one which I don't take enough notice of. Slowly introducing yourself to controlled levels of anxiety can help.

The next course was Mindfulness. I'm not going to go into the pro's and con's of this as it's all over the media these days. Just to say that it has definitely clicked for me.

I get utterly fed up with people who know very little about a subject but express their opinion as if they're an expert. People will scoff about it, I don't care. If you want to express an opinion on it, then at least spend 10 minutes informing yourself. We all know how to operate a search engine by now.

Ruby Wax has become a great advocate for this. She's gone through intensive study to learn about the subject. Read her book 'Sane New World' if you want to. It explains the theory, and the science, with some great diagrams, and then the practical.

There's plenty of evidence to show how useful and economical this technique is. I just wish the NHS would stop pissing about and support local mental health services or something really useful like this will soon be discredited.

My trainer Lydia has helped me a lot.  At first I found myself suddenly remembering events from the past and getting upset. but hey that makes me in touch with my emotions innit? come on ladies......

It's a work in progress, and a lot of practise needed, but I've got a good feeling about this one. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Lydia, I think you might have changed my life. Now it's down to me. Gulp!

Better Living Through Chemistry.

So, I arranged an appointment with my GP, and my mental health worker came with me. I really need to be able to sleep without pumelling myself with alcohol and cannabis. I didn't sleep last night.

Before we went in we had a cup of coffee in the little place in the 'super practice' or whatever. Now, I often forget I've got a booming voice, but in combination with the anxiety I was feeling at that moment, it wasn't long before the cup was rattling, the saucer was full of coffee, everyone in the place knew I was nuts, and blubbing like a baby. Told the bloke making the coffee to 'have a good one, mate' and a woman I vaguely recognised, with a gap in her teeth, gave me the biggest smile which had a bit too much sympathy in it.

Anyhooo, I explained the situation to my doctor, and told him about the courses of treatment that I've been arranging, and he prescribed me with 8 zopiclone tablets a month, and propranolol beta blockers, explaining he didn't want to give me 'another problem' by prescribing more sleeping pills which could cause dependency. He said he was prescribing zopiclone 'against his better judgement. The propranolol is there to lower the blood pressure to ease the anxiety.

I knew I'd have to fight to get help, but that felt tough. Just glad my mental health worker was there with his 'magical lanyard' or I wouldn't have got that!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned but one of my other recent appointments gave me a real buzz of confidence, bordering on mania. I'd not slept the night before, was anxious on the day, crying just before the appointment. When all was done I felt great, out of proportion with what had actually happened. This was hapenning again now.

The propranolol played a part in that feeling too. It almost immediately turned down the anxiety and that seemed to help this kind of euphoria. This happened for the first few days, and I also felt sick as I got used to the drug.

The weekend rolled round along with cannabis and alcohol. These 'recreational drugs' (which have for very long been 'self medication') added to my new 'prescription drugs' to provide a very interesting few days.

Watch this space, we'll see how things go.

The Making of.......

I decided I needed more of a concept or whatever to this blog. Along with naming posts after songs with a bit of relevance, they're gonna be some of my real favourites, and I'm going to make a kind of video or film to go along with them. I'll post them online and hope to end up with a collection of ten films, in various styles, so I can just roughly try out some techniques, and get some kind of method recorded. Basically, there are so many ideas going round my head I feel like I need to record them.

I produced one a couple of weeks ago. Using rough footage I'd made, slowed down and roughly edited with pictures from my Where Is My Mind post. 'I Love You, I'm Gonna Blow up your School', by Mogwai.

Not too bad an effort, but the cutting in and out of the images doesn't look very good.



So while I've been feeling manic, and getting used to new pills, I've been working on a kind of animated movie for 'Better Living Through Chemistry' by Queens of the Stone Age.

The techniques were hard work. Getting used to free or found software, and finding very long winded ways around. I will try and describe them and provide designs to get this recorded.

Raw footage in .mov format from iphone.

Convert to .avi format using Video File Converter.

Use VLC media player to extract still images from .avi clips. IE 30fps, extract 1in6 to have 5fps etc.

Most of my footage comes from my wandering about with my phone in my hand or attached to my clothing and it's 'all over the place'. So then I go through each still image, rotating it so that resulting animation will look more uniform.

Used IrFanView for this bit because of its batch processing to save a bit of time.

Then I used Photostage Slideshow Producer to make the still images into short .avi clips, in that way i can control the frame rate and judge the speed of transition from one frame to another depending on speed/style/beat of the song.

Used Pinnacle Videospin to create the final movie.

Put the Audio Track in.

Put the various smaller .avi slideshow clips together to match/inform the song.

I decided to use the empty Title or Caption track to add lyrics and scribbled images over the video at this point.

I used an animation application to design these. This allowed me to use 'Onion Skinning' (check it out), and saving the images as .png files meant they would have a transparent background to allow them to overlay the other video.

A LOT of 'pratting about' later, et voila!

Below I've put a few of the scribbles and notes, to keep them in the one place.

So, onto the next one.

It's going to be a pop at 'Suddenly Everything Has Changed', from the album 'The Soft Bulletin' by one of my favourite bands 'The Flaming Lips'.

Other Ideas are for 'Touch Me, I'm Sick', by Mudhoney, 'Can You Feel The Force?', and 'Giant Steps', the Boo Radleys.

Now just got to wade through all that footage. Where are those pills?

Where is my mind?

Just went to see "the Scotsman". So I'm under the influence right now. Stoned you might say.

Stepped out of the door today and bumped straight into Howard, The Don. Chatted about his dog that he recently had to have put down, and told him to take it easy. He looked really down, the lad.

Walked down to the post office in Hyson Green. 10yards short a car mounted the pavement, blocked it, and got out to get a takeaway. Now at this point I should have stopped, walked around and carried about my business, but of course Billy Big 'nads decides to do different. "Oy, what the f*ck are doing, dickhead?", says I. Someone's going to call my bluff one day, and my 'act hard and they won't give me any grief' technique'll land me on my arse with a sore face!

Went into Asda, used the self service checkout, and when the assistant comes over to authorise my alcohol purchase (me? never) I tried to make smalltalk by saying how I'd never seen the self service area so quiet. Poor woman looked absolutely knackered and tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it. I think I know that feeling.

The bloke from the shop on Foxhall Road, the FatBoy as he's known, or Indian G Man as he'd like to be known was sat in his car as I walked home on Berridge Road. Offered to get me some 'Chronic' like he was Ice Cube or something. No thanks mate.

Now before I forget, I wanted to blog about IDS, the DWP, ATOS, and touch on local mental health services in my area and how to access them.Then I read the news that ATOS have quit, or been pushed. So I'll do that another day.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26766345

Good news but IDS will still make the rules, they'll use the same software, and of course who will replace them? Capita? Don't start me off on that company. If you give a monkey's about this stuff then I'd urge you to look them up on a popular search engine (or an unpopular one, what the hell? go crackers).

Anyhow, in this medicated state I'm inspired to download and listen to music. Cannabis makes me feel like I do in my manic moments but without the feeling of being out of control. Music becomes richer, brighter, amplifying any emotions I'm picking up from the music. So put the last 50odd albums in a playlist and play at random.

Hard Times.  Run DMC       Pretty apt if you listen to the words.

Pill Hill Serenade.  Mark Lanegan.         Love this bloke's gargling razorblades vocals.
Old Man - Neil Young.

Love this song, especially the lyrics.

Love lost, such a cost,
Give me things
that don't get lost.
Like a coin that won't get tossed
Rolling home to you.

Old man take a look at my life
I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me
the whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
and you can tell that's true.

Lullabies, look in your eyes,
Run around the same old town.
Doesn't mean that much to me
To mean that much to you.

I've been first and last
Look at how the time goes past.
But I'm all alone at last.
Rolling home to you.

So this is a Diary, with more detail, more content. To be honest with you the writing of this is hopefully going to prove to be therapeutic for me if that makes any sense. I've only 'published' it because at this stage in my life I don't really care an awful lot about what people think of me. So people can read if they like, I hope that they do, and if it helps anyone then yippadeedooda.

Turns out it's harder than I thought to get this stuff out of my head, and it also turns out it doesn't shut up that voice in my head. Since I've been doing this I've found it even harder to sleep.

Mindfulness is the thing I need. Read an interesting article from Ruby Wax that might be worth a read.

 http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ruby-wax/ruby-wax-mindfulness_b_5028008.html?utm_hp_ref=uk

Still. I'm allowing myself to self medicate or whatever you'd call it tonight. Really need to be able to relax and get's some sleep because I'm mentally and physically shattered. And it's a really strange and unpleasant feeling, like long term sleep deprivation.

I'm seing a Wellbeing plus advisor. I'll talk about this in a post about Mental Health Treatment Provision that I really want to write soon. Need to take my advisor with me to the GP. Need to be able to get more sleep.Gotta be done or I'm going to crack on one of the really bad nights, like last night.

Ohio - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

About the shooting of students protesting against the Vietnam War at Kent State University.

Gotta get down to it
Soldiers are cutting us down
Should have been done long ago.
What if you knew her
And found her dead on the ground
How can you run when you know?

Tin soldiers and Nixon coming,
We're finally on our own.
This summer I hear the drumming,
Four dead in Ohio.

Makes a beautiful song out of a terrible act. Brings out the raw emotions. That's one of the things I love about a good song. Cannot stand some of the bland, soulless stuff I hear.

 Zombie Blocked - Left Lane Cruiser.  Good old dirty blues.

Magdelena - Pixies  Just that rhythmic Pixies sound, the Francis falsetto and Santiago's atonal guitar. Will miss the crazy Ms.Deal though.

Beautiful Drug - Thievery Corp from Radio Retaliation.     Beautiful vocals, loping trip hoppy beats and you can't beat a few strings in the background now can you?

Don't Let It Bring You Down - Neil Young

Blind man running
through the light
of the night
With an answer in his hand,
Come on down
to the river of sight
And you can really understand,
Red lights flashing
through the window
in the rain,
Can you hear the sirens moan?
White cane lying
in a gutter in the lane,
If you're walking home alone.
Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Just find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

Peace Sword (Open Your Heart) - The Flaming Lips       Love this band.

Psalms - Heliotropes.   Female indie style guitar action, but sounds much better than that pathetic description.

I'm obviously no John Peel just yet.

Child is Father of the Man (Part 2)

So, Castle Donington 1976, a bit warm! A nice house, nice road, nice village. Big field full of cows behind, then beyond that the power station.

Then I start at Orchard County Primary School. Nice enough, can't remember much about the first couple of years apart from a paint fight with Alison Lawley. I remember another girl called Kerry Clutterbrook. I was a 'latchkey kid', walking to school and back myself, as both of my parents were at work. No problem.

 This must be where the bullying starts. Think his surname was Austin. It was the old "I'm gonna kick your head in after school". How many bloody times did I hear that? So leg it home the long way and hope noone noticed or walk in his direction and get a slap. I had a recurring dream for years (and I can still see this image so clearly) of a massive lion blocking my way at the exact spot he used to wait for me.

The other kids noticed that I was being bullied, walking miles to avoid them, or just taking the beating without defending myself and I think I was marked man from there, open season.

At this time my best friend was Andrew Weaver, lived just round the corner on Bosworth Road, on the council estate. I also hung about with David Barlow and his brother. Bruce Weston was another mate from that estate.

Can't remember exactly when it happened but I bought a poster of my favourite football team and put it on my wall. Andrew threw a lump of blue-tack at it and ripped it. "It was already like that.", he said and left. This was not long after the incident where he fed me Ex-Lax chocolate. Cheers. He beat me up on my own back doorstep.

I'll talk more about my family later but we were never a close family, but as I said earlier, I didn't know any different. If I was punished it was a smack, a belt, or the back of the hand across the face. As I say, normal to me. When he was gardening, or doing DIY, halfway up a ladder or whatever I basically had to follow him around, handing him the correct tool at the correct moment, almost having to read his mind, and I hated it. If you could shout "Screwdriver!, no! the phillips one!" at me in his voice I'm sure I would shiver.

I liked going to primary school because when I was there I was safe. Then one year I was somehow put in the year class above the one I should have been in. That was a nightmare year. They saw me coming and they were merciless. Think I blanked most of that year out because I only just remember it now. It was then that I was basically attacked during a game of British Bulldog and as a result one of my front teeth was broken. I still have an ill-fitting crown to this day that stands out a mile.

I loved playing sport, and I took up cross-country running. I was bloody good at it because I'd had plenty of practice on those long diversions to get home. Mr Dickinson was the bloke who encouraged me to take part.

My nemesis came by the name of Robert Dix. Don't think he was what you would call hard, but he obviously knew I wouldn't fight back. That little shit made my life a fucking misery. On one of my roundabout detours to get to school he came up to me, said "Have you ever seen apples this big?", while holding his hands 18inches or so apart. Now I was obviously naive (maybe still am), and you can see what's coming. "No", I said. Quickly followed by BOOM, a nice hard punch in the middle of the face. If I ever come across that piece of shit I hope I recognise him so he can get a taste of those apples.

Phew, gonna need quite a few parts to this story. Keep Smiling folks.

Child is Father of the Man (Part 1)

So maybe if I look back at my childhood I can find some clues.....

As far as I can remember

My parents come from Nottinghamshire mining towns, mother from a town called Blidworth.My grandfather from fathers side worked for the National Coal Board. He and my grandmother lived in Ollerton, Notts. I'm not sure where my parents were living at the time but I was born at Kings Mill Hospital in Sutton-in-Ashfield, in 1970. I have an elder sister, born in 1967.

My earliest memory is of sitting on my father's shoulders, walking up the hill towards Wollaton Hall in Nottingham.

 I think I was three, we lived above a grocer's shop which was run by my mother. My father worked in the construction industry. 

Before I was old enough for primary school i went to a 'private' school, Dagfa House School. My only memory of that school followed an incident where my sister and I were bouncing up and down on a bed, trampoline style. I managed to miss the bed and break my collar bone. I think I'd been to hospital and then to school in what I think was an orange T-shirt with a cartoon character on the front, rather than the uniform. Then I just remember the 'posh kids' chasing me around because of this. I don't think I was too upset at the time but I may have to speak to my mother to see if she remembers.

 I then started primary school, Middleton School in Wollaton. Only vague memories here, my sister and I used to walk to school, you could do that in those days. I vaguely remember my best friend who lived nearby, a boy from an asian family. My mind may play tricks on me here but I always went to see him, I don't remember him coming to my house. Remember this bit regular readers.I remember enjoying school days there, vague memories of my friends, big scary dinner ladies, and rank school dinners.

My only other memories of living in Wollaton amount to, insisting on lemon curd on crackers for christmas dinner, finding 20 quid and taking it to the police station, a really smelly customer who stunk out the shop, and going with my sister to her friends house nearby.

In 1976 we moved to Castle Donington, in Derbyshire. To a bigger house on Park Lane, "the posh bit." I was gutted to leave my friends but shit happens. In my mind this is where things start to go wrong.

 Now, before I go any further, I want to say that when I was a child, everything that happened was normal to me, I didn't have anything to compare it to. I thought it was the same for everyone. I blame my parents for almost nothing that has happened in my life. I'll mention the exceptions to this in due course.

Me and my shadow.

Write a blog, you say. OK, here goes. I'm not the most eloquent of people. I don't know how to structure this & it might be a rambling mess but ho hum.

Depression. Anxiety. Bipolar Disorder. Mental illness.

Scary words? Not to me. You might have a physical illness such as, I don't know, diabetes. You have to learn to manage it with diet/exercise etc.

I have a mental illness. I have to learn to manage that too.

The difference seems to be that people see physical illness as a concrete, visible thing. Whereas a lot of people think differently about mental illness. They can't 'see' it, so how can they be sure it's there. Comments like "we've all felt down now and again", "we all get stressed from time to time", and the old classic "pull yourself together" back up this lack of understanding.

People are scared of mental illness, understandably, but people have always stigmatised things they are scared of. "That won't happen to me", "i'm not a mentalist", "that guy's completely nuts" etc. This ignorance is hurtful, understandable but hurtful. Still, been there done that. Old news. Think what you like about me. The opinions of ignorant people don't mean much to me.

This Illness has robbed me of friends, relationships, jobs, and left me on benefits (a subject I'll certainly be talking about.)

Most of us know how this feels. I sometimes try to explain how I feel. When my depression is really bad, I feel empty, numb, tearful, hopeless. Pull the duvet over my head and let the world take care of itself.

When my anxiety is in full effect the idea of getting on a bus, dealing with people, or going to a new place is just terrifying. Rationally this is bizarre, I've done all of this before. When i just HAVE TO do this, and have completed the task I wonder what I was worried about but that does not make any difference the next time.

Then there are those fleeting moments of mania. When for some reason I'm inspired to do things. When a piece of music seems to jump out of the speakers, when I want to do everything, buy everything, meet everyone, fall in love and put the world to rights. I'm sure I must drive my housemate crazy at these times, full of energy like I've had a dozen espressos, darting around the house "guess what just happened", "I'm gonna do something amazing", "this band is brilliant", just manic basically.

BY FAR the worst part of my experience is not the loneliness, the isolation, the opinions of others, the inability to establish friendships & relationships, but the fact that AS SOON AS THE HEAD HITS THE PILLOW my brain wakes up and decides to run a playback of the day. What went wrong, who said what, etc so sleep takes a couple of hours to come. My relationship history is patchy to say the least. During my longest relationship I could not handle living together, we moved to seperate places and tried to carry on. I loved this person, and I wanted children but I was drinking an alarming amount, self medicating with cannabis, and eventually she had enough. I was in the wrong place (This person has gone on to show I had a lucky escape, but that's another story.) When my heads on the pillow her name just pops into my head, it feels like my brain is torturing me.

The urge to drink and drug is always there. To basically pass out into bed, to be unconscious. I do this when I cannot cope but I've gotta fight that urge because there's only one way that would end up. The words "Class A" and "dead" spring to mind!

So that's me and my black dog mate in my head. These things DO NOT DEFINE WHO I AM but at the moment they dominate my life. It's done this for most of the last 25 years, since I was 18/19.

That is all about to change...... Watch this space.